My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
