Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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