i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
