That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
