the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
