I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
