Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
