I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
