wrigley field is MILF paradise
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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