At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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