Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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