he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize