So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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