I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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