I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
