Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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