I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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