I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
