She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
