i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
