I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
