HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
And then he peed in my hair
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