If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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