ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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