Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
