It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
