im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
