I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
