I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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