You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
