He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
