is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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