we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
