Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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