it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
