i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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