Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
