You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Welp...herpes.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Dicks are not precious.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
