Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
