so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
