remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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