he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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