I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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