Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize