she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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