Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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