Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
