I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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