I wish my penis had an off switch
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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