apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
