If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
