I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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