I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He passed out mid-signature
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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