My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
