Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
