I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
