Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
