Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize