got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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