I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
