If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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